All Roads Lead to Glasgow: Love during the Times of Fascism; Excerpts from Sections 4, 5, & 6
- JM Valat De Córdova
- 9 hours ago
- 44 min read
Section 4: Winter 2020-21
“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth” –Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken
Silly season | Ike
All rise for the Queen’s speech outlining the new Labour government’s objectives for the 2015-2020 parliamentary session.
“My Lords and Members of the House of Commons. Change is coming to these isles. For too long, governments have been the arbiters of oppressive forces, both legal and economic. For too long, these isles have remained divided economically and divided socially. My Government plans to bring a definitive and decisive end to this tragedy of poor governance. My Government is one that plans to bring Britain together, and make a Britain where everyone can work a job they want to, instead of one that they need to. It is the priority of my government, to live up to the ideals that so many have espoused, but none have followed. My Government is one that will secure the rights to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happyness. Past governments have decided to change all those rights to one, Property.
My Government plans on decisively and quickly acting on the seminal Climate Catastrophe. We plan on a Green Industrial revolution, so we can revive our heartlands and fight for the forgotten men and women of our country. The Green new deal will bring millions of jobs to Britain, all of them green, and all of them high paying. The Green New Deal will preserve our countryside and revive the forests that were destroyed in the Industrial revolution of old. My Government is one that plans on implementing policies that will bring Britain to the Front of technological progress, and on the front of Green Industry. It’s time that a government works for the forgotten men and women of the country, my government plans on doing so with this.
My government plans on fixing the perennial problem of unfair, and unearned inequalities. Our Country has been one plagued by the unregulated markets and unfettered commercialism that has destroyed the bond between person to person and has been partially the harbinger of depression, destroying a purpose that people might’ve had before. It’s time that we have a government that brought a new society to Britain, one that finally, fights for the people forgotten by governments of old, one that finally brings equality of opportunity, and one that finally rids Britain of the burden of structural racism that has for too long been the determiner of wealth in this country.
My Government is a government that plans on bringing equality of opportunity to this country, making sure that everyone, no matter their class, race, or gender, can succeed in life. My government plans on making the minimum wage a living wage so that everyone can have a stable, and consistent income and life from a living wage, to make sure that work is a key out of poverty, instead of a chance out of it.
My government believes that, for this country to come together, and go forwards into the future, we need a government that massively invests in the country, and completely erases the ever-so fabled North-South divide. Austerity, brought along by my previous governments, has completely erased the once proud industrial heartlands of Britain. We need massive investments in infrastructure and other social programs in the North, and in the south to bring along a new deal for the people of Britain.
My Government is proposing a New Deal for Britain, one that brings prosperity to most, and opportunities to all, one where the forgotten men and women of Britain are no longer forgotten, and our heartlands, abandoned to the ravages of unfettered free markets, are finally brought back to life. This is the Future that My Government envisions for Britain
My Government thinks that, for a government of the future to succeed, we need a strong, federalized system in the United Kingdom, to keep it united. Britain is a country of countries, for this system to work in a cohesive unit, we must strive for a system of government that follows that fundamental truth.
My Government, plans on introducing bills to reform the local council system, to more closely resemble the system of American Government, to provide a stronger and more stable union, with local governments that can more understand the concerns and issues of their citizenry, and with the approval of their elected MPs, they can make sure that their issues are met so that we can finally bridge the disconnect that so many rightfully feel from Westminster government, without undermining their votes, and undermining Westminster.
A Federal government is vital for any government that can hope to promote solidarity amongst its citizenry, A Federal government is one that can bridge the divide between elites and forgotten, one that can finally bring back the trust in government that once existed. A Federal government is a vital part of My Government’s agenda, and it is necessary for any of the reforms that we want to make, to first have a government that promotes local democracy and a Federalized Britain.
There is, however, another issue that divides My Kingdom. Europe has plagued British politics since the light of a unified Europe has ever shone. My Government refuses to concede to the reactionary conservative forces that have driven the push to leave the European Union. My Government understands the frustration and the anger felt by so many Britons as so many jobs that were once the backbone of the British economy, abandoned and conceded by former governments. However, leaving the EU is the wrong solution to this ever-so-present problem. Immigrants are not the reason that the working and middle class is dying, unregulated capitalism is the reason that this is happening. The EU is a harbinger of Peace and Prosperity, the austerity capitalism that comes along with it is what has caused the decline and death of the middle and working classes. My Government thinks it’s imperative to reform the EU to be a more transparent and democratic organization, however it values the prosperity, peace, and solidarity with Europe that it has brought over its tenure, and would never give that up.
My Government is one that will fight for the people, and one that will bring a New Deal for the forgotten people of this divided kingdom. My Government plans on being the harbinger of prosperity for most, and opportunity for all, along with a revolution of green industry. My Government is the People’s government, my government plans on bringing solidarity among us, bringing an economy that gives people the right to pursue happiness. My Government will bring a new day for Britain, reviving Britain from failed government after failed government, “
All vote to approve this plan for governance, those in favor say ay
“aye”
“aye”
“Aye”
All those against respond nay
(No response)
#bbc-uk text channel
The ayes have it, the ayes have it, this queen's speech is adopted. The government has cause to celebrate! The first labour government to have come about via election, Foreign Secretary the Rt. Hon. Ike De Córdoba and Prime Minister Sir David Lammy has managed to unseat the Tory cabal, after masterful political maneuverings in the parliament that forced a vote of no confidence in the Tory government of Joseph Cameron, that succeeded due to Speaker Rockstar’s new “one member, one vote” rules, which allowed for the government with 500 seats to fall with barely a finger being raised. Labour is certain to handily win the election that followed suit!
Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism (almost FAGS) | Ike, Winter 2020-21
I have been Prime Minister of the Virtual United Kingdom for approximately six weeks, which is long enough to understand that being Prime Minister of the Virtual United Kingdom means, above all else, reading legislation aloud to people who may or may not be listening. Most of the time, they are not only not listening, but will vote purely based on vibes after having not read or listened to your reading. If your bill sounds socialist, the socialists will vote for, Tories against, and liberals will ebb and flow. If it sounds liberal? Liberals for, socialists will be split, and Tories will be largely for.
Tonight is the first proper reading of H.C.1338, the Collective Bargaining and Workers Protections Bill. I have been drafting it for the whole weekend, and putting off my various amounts of schoolwork for my honors Biology class in order to do this. I have downloaded a PDF from the OECD about unionisation rates across developed economies. I have cross-referenced the fiscal projections twice. I am thirteen years old and it is ten at night and I have done all of this voluntarily, in my bedroom in Greenwich, Connecticut, where I am supposed to be asleep. In fact, I’ve done this for fun, and, don’t get me wrong, this is good fun.
The session begins.
[VUK Commons, 21:04] Speaker James Cameron: all right we're calling the house to order — first reading of H.C.1338, the Right Honourable Prime Minister Ike De Córdova has the floor
I unmute my mic. I clear my throat, which nobody can hear, and which I do anyway.
EuphoricLeftist [PM]: Mr Speaker, H.C.1338 — the Collective Bargaining and Workers Protections Bill of 2021. A bill to aid and mandate the usage of industry-wide collective bargaining, in order to promote fairer wages and to level the power dynamic between worker and employee. This bill will get more money in the pockets of workers without costing the government as much as a half-penny.
A pause. Someone's mic is on and I can hear what sounds like a television.
MarcusUrquhart [Shadow Chancellor]: define large corporation
EuphoricLeftist [PM]: section 2.1 — any company employing more than 100 full or part-time workers, or operating more than five stores
MarcusUrquhart [Shadow Chancellor]: and the unionisation rate mandate
EuphoricLeftist [PM]: 95% of all employees. with investigation and fine provisions for non-compliance
MarcusUrquhart [Shadow Chancellor]: the fine structure
EuphoricLeftist [PM]: £100,000 per violation for anti-union organisation. two years pay to any employee illegally dismissed for union activity
There is a longer pause. I know Marcus is reading the document. He is the Shadow Chancellor because he is the only opposition member who reads the documents. The others all reflexively gag at the thought of the government actually passing a bill that would help people. But, the Shadow Chancellor reads, this is, in its own way, a compliment in a server of partisan tories.
MarcusUrquhart [Shadow Chancellor]: the fiscal projections
EuphoricLeftist [PM]: estimated salary benefit of 10% from collective bargaining — roughly £63.4 billion in additional income tax revenue over time. projected annual cost of subsidised union dues: £9.48 billion. net gain: approximately £53.9 billion
JosephCameron [Shadow Foreign Secretary]: you've done the actual maths
EuphoricLeftist [PM]: yes Joseph i've done the actual maths
JosephCameron [Shadow Foreign Secretary]: bit concerning ngl, socialist who can do math? What’s next, a puppy that can play basketball?
EuphoricLeftist [PM]: Ain’t no rules that say a dog can’t play basketball
Marcus, to his credit, does not dismiss it out of reflex, like most of his compatriots in the tory party (or, as they are known to me, the tory scum, alternatively, tory cunts). I can hear him not dismissing it in the quality of the silence.
He had read Hayek and Friedman and a considerable portion of Nozick, and none of them are straightforwardly wrong about this , sectoral bargaining does have coordination costs, and the 95% mandate does create enforcement problems, and I know this because I read the same economists he has, I've just come to different conclusions about what they mean. This is, I'm beginning to understand, the actual shape of the disagreement. Not that Marcus hasn't thought about workers. That he's thought about them differently.
MarcusUrquhart [Shadow Chancellor]: i have concerns about the enforcement mechanism on the strike intervention clause
MarcusUrquhart [Shadow Chancellor]: who determines what they struck for
EuphoricLeftist [PM]: the original strike notice?
MarcusUrquhart [Shadow Chancellor]: and if the strike evolves
MarcusUrquhart [Shadow Chancellor]: that's actually not badly thought out
MarcusUrquhart [Shadow Chancellor]: I still oppose it
EuphoricLeftist [PM]: tory scum
I knew he'd oppose it. He opposes most of what I put forward, on grounds that are usually internally consistent even when I think they're wrong, which is more than I can say for Joseph's objections, which tend to be on grounds that amount to a general feeling that things were better when he was Prime Minister, which of course, for him they were. The difference between Marcus and Joseph, politically, is that Marcus has a theory. I disagree with his theory. Joseph just has instincts, which are harder to argue with and easier to dismiss, and I try to do neither.
Speaker Heners: moving to vote on first reading: ayes?
EuphoricLeftist [PM]: aye
bottlelegs: aye
Hersey: aye
Speaker James Cameron: nays?
MarcusUrquhart [Shadow Chancellor]: nay, on constitutional grounds re: the enforcement mandate. I'll put the full objection in the text channel
JosephCameron [Shadow Foreign Secretary]: nay
Speaker Heners: bill passes first reading. second reading scheduled for next session. the house is
JosephCameron [Shadow Foreign Secretary]: hang on
Speaker James Cameron: ...yes, the Rt. Hon. Shadow Foreign Secretary
JosephCameron [Shadow Foreign Secretary]: ike
EuphoricLeftist [PM]: yes Joseph
JosephCameron [Shadow Foreign Secretary]: did you actually work out the fiscal projections yourself
EuphoricLeftist [PM]: yes
JosephCameron [Shadow Foreign Secretary]: where did you get the OECD data
EuphoricLeftist [PM]: their website. it's free
JosephCameron [Shadow Foreign Secretary]: ...right
JosephCameron [Shadow Foreign Secretary]: you're fourteen
EuphoricLeftist [PM]: i'm aware
JosephCameron [Shadow Foreign Secretary]: just checking
JosephCameron [Shadow Foreign Secretary]: (muted): fucking weird fourteen year old.
The house adjourns. I close the tab. I opened the OECD document again. I check the projections again. They are correct.
The second reading is messier, as second readings tend to be, because by the second reading people have had time to read the thing and form opinions. Or rather, to solidify their partisan tendencies through rationalization.
Marcus has, as promised, filed a written constitutional objection.
This is what I mean when I say the server was real. Not that the legislation would ever pass into actual law. At least, not without a VUK MP suddenly becoming a councilor or MP, which may very well happen sometime soon (Authors note: Joseph Cameron is based on the real Cllr. Joseph Sheard). Not that Joseph Cameron's nay vote would affect a single actual worker's union dues. But the thinking was real.
The argument was real.
Marcus had a theory about why mandatory unionization rates violated the voluntary principle of free association, and I had a theory about why formal freedom without material conditions to exercise it wasn't actually freedom, and neither of us was performing these theories for an audience.
We were just having them, at eleven at night, in a voice channel, in the middle of a pandemic, because the world had contracted to the size of a screen and this was what was in it.
The following is what passes:
H.C.1339 the Right to Live Act, comes up three sessions later. It is, in some ways, my simplest bill: no crime shall permit the state to execute a human being. No exceptions for heinousness. Rehabilitation for all but the most extreme offenders. The fiscal note is clean: ten million pounds in rehabilitative treatment, no additional capital costs because we are abolishing the capital punishment infrastructure that doesn't exist in a virtual parliament but which I have modelled anyway.
Joseph objects in the second reading. This is not surprising. What is surprising is the register of the objection.
JosephCameron [Shadow Foreign Secretary]: I want to speak against this one
Speaker James Cameron: The shadow foreign secretary
JosephCameron [Shadow Foreign Secretary]: section 3.1 — no crime permits execution. What about serial killers. what about mass murderers
EuphoricLeftist [PM]: no crime. that's the point
JosephCameron [Shadow Foreign Secretary]: and if someone has killed twenty people
EuphoricLeftist [PM]: then they are in prison for the remainder of their natural life, or so long as they are mentally unwell, with psychiatric care under section 3.4
JosephCameron [Shadow Foreign Secretary]: that's not justice
EuphoricLeftist [PM]: i think it is
JosephCameron [Shadow Foreign Secretary]: justice for who? Murderers? An*l terrorists? I think not!
I thought about this for a moment. I don’t rise to speak against him, but I do think about it for a second.
Not the cheeky parliamentary retort, I have the parliamentary answer if I want to type it out, but an actual answer. I start to type it out, but then I pause to preponder what I was doing in the first place.
I think about what Fred Hampton said about power flowing not from the sleeve of a dashiki, an idea in the popular zeitgeist after the Black Lives Matter protests of our day. Would he be proud of me? That Marxist-Leninist revolutionary who gave up his life and limb for the cause of betterment of all peoples. Possibly, probably not.
I think about what I have read, in the preceding months, about wrongful convictions and racial disparities in capital sentencing and the irreversibility of execution. I think about what it means to say that the state has the right to decide who lives. I think about MLK, and the various sagas surrounding fascists on this server, giving me death threats for being bisexual and latino. That South Dakotan paramitary member and former virtual Prime Minister who I so desperately wanted to ban, but the Chief Admin Marcus wouldn't let me on principle.
But then I think of Timothy Chalamet. Is it better to speak or to die?
So I speak, or rather, type.
EuphoricLeftist [PM]: justice for the principle that the state does not have the right to make irreversible decisions about human life. we get things wrong. we get them wrong more for some people than others. and when we're wrong about this one there's nothing to be done
JosephCameron [Shadow Foreign Secretary]: ...
JosephCameron [Shadow Foreign Secretary]: i still oppose it
EuphoricLeftist [PM]: tory scum does as tory scum wills.
JosephCameron [Shadow Foreign Secretary]: but that's, that's actually quite a decent answer
The bill passes, 4-2. Marcus votes for it, which surprises me. He says afterwards, in the general chat, that his libertarian principles happen to align with the PM's state power over life, even if they align nowhere else. I note this. It belongs somewhere. It perhaps should not surprise me as much as it does, as I am fully aware of his principles, I however, imagined his principles would rather him back in government.
I drafted seventeen bills in my first term as Prime Minister of the Virtual United Kingdom. The British Democracy Act federalised the kingdom and introduced New Zealand-style proportional representation to the devolved assemblies, because I had opinions about New Zealand's electoral system that nobody had asked for. The British Freedoms Act re-established parliamentary sovereignty and the right to protest, with a carve-out for rioting, which I defined, and a fifty-pound-per-hour fine for unlicensed protest, which I thought was reasonable and which Joseph immediately described as fascist, which was rich coming from Joseph, the server’s pre-eminent ultranationalist self-proclaimed libertarian.
All the time I sepnd on this distracts me from my studies, which, I had basically not gone to any classes the second semester of 8th grade, and now I have obtained an F in Honors Biology and a D in Global Studies for simply not turning in almost all of my homework assignments. My Harvard and Berkeley educated attorney father lambasts me.
"How can someone so smart be so stupid? HOW CAN YOU CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THE WORLD AND GET A D IN GLOBAL STUDIES? These grades matter, Jeanmi. This could stop you from going to college, going to Havrard, or wherever you want to go to!"
He's right. For someone so precocioushave the grades of the village idiot. It's not like I can't do the work, it's that it's so, so , so boring. I infact have lectures on Marxism by Richard D. Wolff at the New School playing in the background while I'm in Global Studies or English, or rather, while I'm in my bedroom on a Google Meets. I'm one of the about half of students at Greenwich High School who are not going in-person to school at all in the 2020-2021 school year.
When I finish Wolff's series, I move onto Vernon Bognador's lectures on british political history in order to better my understanding. My favorite Prime Minister who I learned about was Attlee, my hero, Nye Bevan, I vibe with him to such a degree that my server profile on VUK is now a picture of Bevan. I am now " Rt. Hon. PM Jean-Michel Bevan (LAB)"
The Carbon Accountability Act established a carbon tax at twelve-fifty Euros per tonne, rising by twelve-fifty annually until emissions fell by a third. The Worker Empowerment Bill mandated that fifteen per cent of any large corporation's shares be held in inclusive ownership funds, with a third of every board elected directly by workers. The Abolish the Sethy Bill abolished the Sethy, the previous Prime Minister and Leader of the Opposition at the time. It did not, sadly, involve Seth, the man himself, being abolished from existence, as the text of the bill would constitutionally imply.
Nobody but me voted for the Abolish the Sethy Bill. Even my own party abstained. But, no one cared enough to vote against it. And, as I voted for it, it was passed via universal acclimation. Huzzah!
Across the virtual and roleplay Channel, in the Federal Parliament of Europe, a separate server that had grown out of VUK's world-building ambitions, I served simultaneously as the first President of the European Union under the Party of European Socialists and filed the equivalent legislation at the European scale. The Worker Sharing of Profits Bill.
The Carbon Accountability Act, with some EU elbow grease thrown in. Executive orders nominating commissioners. Signing documents from the Berlaymont building in Brussels, which I had never been to but whose address I had looked up: Rue de la Loi 200, 1049 Bruxelles, Belgium.
I drafted them all properly. I cross-referenced the fiscal projections or made them up as long as I went along. The world outside is conducting actual politics. George Floyd has been murdered for months. The vaccines are in early trials. Parliament in Westminster has been debating things that would affect actual workers' actual wages. Furloughing actual public sector workers.
A fact without a frame, I write my legislation as much as I can, wailing against the winds of change when necessary. The legislation was serious and the parliament was not real, and both things were true simultaneously. I was learning what it felt like to believe in things precisely by practicing in a place where believing in things had no consequences.
My Dad has done his best to rip me to pieces via text, but the verbal beration doesn’t quite sting as hard as it did when I could just ignore him and drift further into a virtual world. Time stands still for this thirteen-year-old.
Or so I tell myself. The sands of time stand still for no man or woman. We all die sometime. Others, sooner than others would want us.
Soon I will disappear for two weeks, passing no more bills, loe my party leadership, and still be the second longest ever serving Labour Prime Minister. I will only have my record beaten by a roleplayed David Lammy, who I server under as Deputy Leader and Cahcellor, a much more comfortable position for a party grandee such as myself.
Text of bills passed:
H.C.1338
“Collective Bargaining and Workers Protections Bill of 2021”
A
Bill
to
Aide and mandate the usage of industry wide collective bargaining in order to promote fairer wages in industries and to level the power dynamic between worker and employee, so that wages are as high as possible.
Be, it enacted by King's most excellent majesty; by and with advice with his majesty’s and consent of the Lords spiritual and Temporal, and commons, in this present Parliament assembled, and by the authority of the same as follows :------
Short title
1 This Bill may be referred to as the Collective Bargaining Bill or the CBB.
Section 1 Definitions
2.1 Definition of Terms in this bill
The phrase ‘Union’ is an organization that acts as an intermediary between its members and the business that employs them. The main purpose of labor unions is to give workers the power to negotiate for more favorable working conditions and other benefits through collective bargaining
A ‘Large Corporation’ for the purposes of this bill is a Company that employs more than 100 full and part-time or operates more than five stores.
‘ Relative Poverty’ is a person that makes at or under 50% of the average income of a country. As of May 2021, this is around 15,000 Great British pounds, though this may raise and fall over time, and will be accounted for with subsidized Union memberships
The ‘National Average Income’ is an income that is the average of all income in the United Kingdom, found out through tax returns. This may rise and fall over time, and will be accounted for in this bill
‘Sectoral Bargaining’ is a form of collective bargaining and worker-organization that instead of organizing workers in a company, organizes workers across industries.
‘Union dues’ is a payment that people wishing to become members of a union must pay to become full members of the aforementioned union, meant to cover the cost of running said union.
Section 2 Universal Collective Bargaining
3.1 Right to Unionise
This bill, if enacted into law, will mandate that every industry has a Union and that every Large Corporation must have a unionisation rate of at the very least 95% of all employees. Any company that is seen to have a Unionisation rate lower then this will be investigated by the cabinet office founded in this bill the ‘Ministry for Labour relations’, and if found guilty of anti-union organisation, fined, and any company that is seen actively suppressing the unionisation of workers, whether that be through intimidation or the laying off of workers who intend to join an union or make a union, the punishment for it can be a fine suggested to be 100,000 Pounds per violation to the government and 2 years of pay to the victim of the crime.
3.2 Voluntary Exclusion from Unionisation
Any worker can file to be excluded from this bill, meaning that them not being unionised is not counting in the aforementioned figure. However, their right to be excluded can not have been requested by being solicited, asked, or pressured to apply for this right by their employer. If an employer is found to pressure their employees to request for this right, then they will be fined for up to 1 million dollars per employee pressured, and up to 2 years imprisonment. Furthermore, an employer cannot ask a worker if they have been excluded from mandatory union membership during the hiring process, and they cannot take that information into account in the hiring process
3.3 The Right to Strike
If a strike is occurring, and that strike lasts for longer than 4 months, the government is permitted to intervene in the strike and settle the disputes for what is considered fair by the government. However, this settlement cannot be less than 25% of what the strikers have striked for. In conjunction with this, no corporation may fire any employees whilst they are on strike, under penalty of either jail time and/or a fine, to be decided on a case by case basis in courts.
3.4 Union Fees
The fee for union membership will be paid by the government for workers that make money that could be considered ‘relative poverty’. Any person that makes under the 50th percentile of taxed income in the United Kingdom and over the relative poverty rate will have half of their union fees paid by the Government. Workers making in between the 50th and 60th percentile of taxed income will have Union Fees subsidized by 10%, workers making above this will have no subsidized union fees.
3.5 Union Elections
The board of unions must be elected in a free and fair election every five years. Any person offering inducements to vote one way, or seen manipulating the results of said election can be fined up to 90% of their yearly income, or imprisoned for up to Five years.
3.6 Union’s Non-profit status
The non-profit status of a Union will after 1 year of this bill passing be dependent on that Union’s fees. No union can charge more than 15% of what is absolutely vital for operation as defined in this bill.
3.7 Union Due Pricing
The pricing of Union dues after the passage of this bill, yearly, cannot be raised by more than 5% yearly unless under extremely erroneous circumstances. These erroneous circumstances will be determined on a case by case basis of any court. In order to request this hike in dues, the Union must contact the government through gov.uk and then the government must refer them to a court of law within a month.
3.8 Failing to refer to a judge
Any government official that is found to have failed to refer to a judge within a month, as mentioned in Section 3.7 of this bill, if found guilty, could be fined up to £100,000 and must have a minimum of 1 month of community service, with the maximum punishment allowed being 1 month in a low-security prison.
Section 3 Sectoral Bargaining Agreements
4.1 Sectoral Bargaining
If this bill were to pass, the government would promote the use of Sectoral Bargaining over the use of corporate bargaining. This would be done by furthering subsidized Union Fees for members
4.2 Sectoral Bargaining Dues
All Fees for Union Membership of any Citizen of the United Kingdom that is under the Relative Poverty rate will have their Union Fees fully paid by the government. Any citizen of the United Kingdom involved in Sectoral Bargaining will have 50% of their Union dues paid by the government if they are in the bottom 49% of earners of income in the United Kingdom, but over the relative poverty rate. Any Citizen of the United Kingdom involved in Sectoral Bargaining will have 25% of their Union dues paid by the government if they are in between the 50th & 75th percentile of income according to their tax returns
Expenses & Income Estimation
There is an estimated salary benefit of on average 10% for Collective Bargaining, which would create an extra £63,400,000,000 in extra income collected from income tax over time.
(this adjusted salary has not been accounted for in the expenses estimation)
Around 5.93 Million people will have their Union dues (of around 600 Pounds) will have their union fees fully subsidized for a yearly fee of around £3,563,738,178
Around 16.45 Million citizens will have ½ of their Union dues (of around 600 Pounds) subsidized by the government for a yearly fee of around £4,934,406,708
Around 4.57 Million citizens will have 10% of their Union dues (of around 600 Pounds) Subsidized by the government for a yearly fee of around £274,133,706
Around 5.71 Million citizen will have 25% of their Union dues (of around 600 Pounds) subsidized by the government for a yearly fee of around £713,750,000
Total Estimated Expenses garnered from this bill: 9,484,000,000
Total Estimated Income garnered from this bill: 63,400,000,000
–
Don’t ask me for a source: I definitely made it up.
H.C.1339
“Right to Live Act of 2021”
A
Bill
to
The establishment of the illegality of capital punishment for as a punishment for any crime.
Be, it enacted by King's most excellent majesty; by and with advice with his majesty’s and consent of the Lords spiritual and Temporal, and commons, in this present Parliament assembled, and by the authority of the same as follows :------
Short title
1 This Bill may be referred to as the RLA.
Section 2 The Right to Life
3.1 Abolition of the use of capital punishment.
If this bill were to be made law, there shall be no crime, no matter how heinous, that allows the government of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland to execute a human being.
3.2 Enemy combatants
Unless in direct combat,directly threatening the life of an allied soldier, or reasonably judged to be a threat to the Army of the United Kingdom or of an Ally. the United Kingdom’s Army cannot kill enemy combatants.
3.3 Punishments for Illegal killings in war
If any government official that is a citizen of the United Kingdom is seen to be in violation of sections 3.2 and 3.1 of this bill, they will be tried for the crime of the misuse of force. The punishments for The Miss use of force can be up to 15 years in medium-security prison, and a fine of up to 50% of their yearly income.
3.4 Rehabilitative Measures for Criminals
If any person guilty of any crime except the Murder of 20 or more people, will be eligible for state-provided therapy and psychiatric care from their prison. The amount and intensity of this care is at the discretion of the trained mental health professional.
Trump v. Biden | ~Nov. 2020, Marcus
I am, Marcus Urquhart on discord, Marcus Smith in real life. is a twenty-five year old first-year law student at the University of Virginia. He has a Bluebook citation guide open on his desk, three tabs of Westlaw, and a Discord server for a fake British parliament that he co-founded with his friend Hersey, who he has not spoken to about anything other than server administration in approximately six weeks because of an argument about standing orders that Marcus does not want to discuss.
I found out three days ago that EuphoricLeftist is thirteen years old.
Smart, for his age certainly, but shockingly articulate in a server full of university and law students like myself.
I have been sitting with this information for three days. He has not yet decided what to do with it. On one hand, EuphoricLeftist- Ike, apparently, though Marcus has never used this name- is one of the server’s most active members, a reasonably competent parliamentary debater, and the current leader of what Marcus has to admit is a fairly well-organized opposition party. On the other hand, he is fourteen. He is in ninth grade.
When I was in ninth grade he was playing Runescape, not delivering forty-minute speeches on the Green New Deal to a fake House of Commons. I have concluded that this is fine. He has not fully convinced himself of this yet.
I am a right-wing libertarian, or a classical liberal in a push. He has been a libertarian since he was nineteen. I consider this evidence of ideological consistency. His Constitutional Law professor considers it, based on one seminar discussion, evidence of something else, though she was too polite to say what.
I voted for Jo Jorgensen. I will tell you this unprompted. I told my Contracts study group. I told my roommate. He told his roommate’s girlfriend, who had not asked and did not follow up. I am a libertarian, and he voted for Jo Jorgensen and I have no dog in this fight and he is simply watching as a matter of civic and intellectual interest. My TV is on. Fox News, not CNN. I don't mention this in the call, as I will surely be flamed for the ideological alignment of my television watching habits. I can already hear Ike calling me a “fascist boomer in a care home” for the choice.
Joseph Cameron is eighteen years old and from Yorkshire, which is worth mentioning because nothing about him reads as Yorkshire. He is loud, flag-waving, aggressively patriotic in the specific key of someone who owns at least two St George’s Cross items and considers Nigel Farage a reasonable man who doesn’t go far enough.
He is, in other words, a certain kind of Essex that exists purely in the imagination of the British right, and he has imported this entirely into himself despite being born and raised in God’s Own County. He works at a biscuit factory. He does not fit the stereotype cleanly, though no one on the server has thought to ask why. Joseph is also leader & founder of the Batley & Spen Young Conservatives, and one would imagine one of about five members.
His TV is also on. He doesn’t say what channel.
[VUK General Chat, November 3rd, 2020, 8:02 PM EST]
EuphoricLeftist: lads
EuphoricLeftist: LADS
EuphoricLeftist: it’s happening
JosephCameron: doesn’t affect me does it, i’m british
EuphoricLeftist: history is being made
MarcusUrquhart: ike it hasn’t started
EuphoricLeftist: the EXIT POLLS
MarcusUrquhart: exit polls aren’t results
MarcusUrquhart: exit polls are epistemically worthless
EuphoricLeftist: you sound like a tory
MarcusUrquhart: I'm a libertarian
EuphoricLeftist: on the server you’re a tory
MarcusUrquhart: on the server Hersey and I wrote the constitution so…
JosephCameron: constitution he says
JosephCameron: like an american
MarcusUrquhart: I am an American law student, Tory Boy…
JosephCameron: we call it common law in this house
EuphoricLeftist: Joseph you’re not even american why are you watching
JosephCameron: i’m a concerned global citizen aren’t i
Hersey: can we focus
JoushuaCameron: he started it
[VUK General Chat, November 3rd, 2020, 9:47 PM EST]
EuphoricLeftist: florida is cooked lads
EuphoricLeftist: florida is always cooked
EuphoricLeftist: why is florida like this
JosephCameron: florida man wins again
JosephCameron: as god intended
bottlelegs: florida should be expelled from America
EuphoricLeftist: seconded
MarcusUrquhart: it’s still early
MarcusUrquhart: relax
EuphoricLeftist: why do you care you voted third party
MarcusUrquhart: i’m watching as an observer of federal electoral mechanics
EuphoricLeftist: you’ve been watching for three hours
MarcusUrquhart: it’s a long mechanic
JosephCameron: if you lot had just stayed british none of this would be happening
EuphoricLeftist: Joseph you’re not even american why are you watching
JosephCameron: i’m a concerned global citizen aren’t i
EuphoricLeftist: you literally have Boris Johnson as your PM
JosephCameron: and? What of the glorious BoJo
MarcusUrquhart: florida going red is not necessarily predictive of the overall result
MarcusUrquhart: the models still favor biden in the midwest
EuphoricLeftist: marcus you just said you don’t care
MarcusUrquhart: i don’t
MarcusUrquhart: i’m simply informed
JosephCameron: sure mate
MarcusUrquhart: Joseph i will ban you
JosephCameron: you literally cannot ban me for that
MarcusUrquhart: i wrote the constitution Joseph
JosephCameron: COMMON
JosephCameron: LAW
[VUK General Chat, November 3rd, 2020, 10:43 PM EST]
EuphoricLeftist: ok
EuphoricLeftist: ok so
EuphoricLeftist: he’s winning
MarcusUrquhart: it’s the red mirage ike
EuphoricLeftist: what the helly is that
MarcusUrquhart: mail ballots haven’t been counted yet
MarcusUrquhart: they skew democratic
MarcusUrquhart: the in person votes are being counted first
EuphoricLeftist: so it’s not real
MarcusUrquhart: it’s real votes
MarcusUrquhart: just not all of them
EuphoricLeftist: right
EuphoricLeftist: right ok
EuphoricLeftist: so it’s fine
MarcusUrquhart: probably
EuphoricLeftist: probably???
MarcusUrquhart: i mean statistically he will win
Hersey: the models still favor Biden
EuphoricLeftist: ok i need both of you to stop saying things like probably and statistically
EuphoricLeftist: and models
EuphoricLeftist: i need certainty
MarcusUrquhart: that’s not how elections work
EuphoricLeftist: i know that’s not how elections work marcus
EuphoricLeftist: i’m fourteen
EuphoricLeftist: not stupid
bottlelegs: ike it’s going to be ok
EuphoricLeftist: mia you don’t know that
bottlelegs: no but
bottlelegs: it usually is
EuphoricLeftist: is it though
EuphoricLeftist: is it usually ok
EuphoricLeftist: because from where i’m standing
EuphoricLeftist: it was ok in 2016 and then it really wasn’t
EuphoricLeftist: and then there was a pandemic
EuphoricLeftist: and like
EuphoricLeftist: a lot of people died
EuphoricLeftist: and now he might just
EuphoricLeftist: win again
EuphoricLeftist: and everyone will just
EuphoricLeftist: keep dying
MarcusUrquhart: ike
EuphoricLeftist: and nothing will have mattered
EuphoricLeftist: and we’ll just do it all again
EuphoricLeftist: four more years of this
EuphoricLeftist: i’ll be eighteen when it ends
EuphoricLeftist: if it ends
MarcusUrquhart: it will end
EuphoricLeftist: you don’t know that either
MarcusUrquhart: no
MarcusUrquhart: i don’t
EuphoricLeftist: great
EuphoricLeftist: cool
EuphoricLeftist: very reassuring marcus thank you
MarcusUrquhart: i’m sorry
EuphoricLeftist: it’s fine
EuphoricLeftist: it’s fine
EuphoricLeftist: i’m fine
JosephCameron: now you sound like marcus
EuphoricLeftist: Joseph i will actually end you
JosephCameron: there he is
EuphoricLeftist: shut up
bottlelegs: there he is
Hersey: there he is
MarcusUrquhart: there he is
EuphoricLeftist: all of you can shut up
EuphoricLeftist: i’m watching pennsylvania
Marcus looks at the screen for a moment. He is twenty-five years old and studying constitutional law, and he does not have a good answer for a fourteen-year-old asking if it will be okay. He has read Hayek and Friedman and a considerable portion of Nozic,k and none of them prepared him for this particular question at 10:43 PM on a Tuesday in November.
I refreshe the Pennsylvania count. He closes the tab. He opens it again.
I do care. He has a methodology for why he cares that he has rehearsed sufficiently that it no longer feels like a rationalization. The regulatory environment matters. The size of the federal apparatus matters. Also, for what it's worth, my girlfriend is a Latina baddie, under no circumstances can we deport her!
The downstream constitutional implications of either administrative agenda matter considerably, actually, given that he is studying constitutional law and these are professionally relevant concerns. He is not watching because he wanted Trump to win. He voted for Jo Jorgensen. He has the receipt.
He is not thinking about the fact that EuphoricLeftist is fourteen and is currently more emotionally invested in this election than most of Marcus’s law school classmates. He is not thinking about this at all.
He refreshes the Pennsylvania count. He closes the tab. He opens it again.
[VUK General Chat, November 3rd, 2020, 11:58 PM EST]
EuphoricLeftist: ok so when is pennsylvania calling
MarcusUrquhart: they’re still counting
EuphoricLeftist: they’ve been counting
MarcusUrquhart: yes that’s what counting is
EuphoricLeftist: how long does it take to count
Hersey: potentially days
EuphoricLeftist: I’m sorry
EuphoricLeftist: DAYS
bottlelegs: they have to count every ballot and the mail in ones ike
EuphoricLeftist: yes i understand the concept of counting mia
EuphoricLeftist: i’m asking why it takes DAYS
MarcusUrquhart: it’s a consequence of state level restrictions on pre-canvassing mail ballots
EuphoricLeftist: the what
MarcusUrquhart: pennsylvania law didn’t allow election officials to process mail ballots before election day
MarcusUrquhart: so they’re counting them now
MarcusUrquhart: in real time
MarcusUrquhart: all of them
JosephCameron: this is why you need a House of Lords
JosephCameron: unelected, unaccountable, gets things done
Hersey: that’s not what the House of Lords does
JosephCameron: Hersey with respect you’re filthy american swine
Hersey: so are you
JosephCameron: i’m from yorkshire…
[VUK General Chat, November 4th, 2020, 1:13 AM EST]
EuphoricLeftist: arizona called for biden???
EuphoricLeftist: ARIZONA???
EuphoricLeftist: as in the desert
bottlelegs: yes ike as in the desert
EuphoricLeftist: the cowboys and cacti arizona
JosephCameron: used to be mexican that place
JosephCameron: just saying
JosephCameron: manifest destiny comes for us all
Hersey: go to sleep
MarcusUrquhart: it’s not over
MarcusUrquhart: pennsylvania hasn’t been called
EuphoricLeftist: marcus it’s 1am
MarcusUrquhart: so
EuphoricLeftist: so go to bed mate
MarcusUrquhart: i’m fine
EuphoricLeftist: you’ve said i’m fine eight times
MarcusUrquhart: because i am
MarcusUrquhart: i voted third party
MarcusUrquhart: i have no emotional stake in this outcome
JosephCameron: the lady doth protest too much
MarcusUrquhart: Joseph
JosephCameron: just saying
JosephCameron: and i’m eighteen and i have a shift at the biscuit factory in four hours
EuphoricLeftist: wait
EuphoricLeftist: you’re eighteen?
JosephCameron: yes
EuphoricLeftist: Joseph
JosephCameron: what
EuphoricLeftist: you’re eighteen and you’ve been complaining about this election for six hours
JosephCameron: yes because it’s entertaining
EuphoricLeftist: could you have voted
JosephCameron: …
EuphoricLeftist: Joseph
JosephCameron: i’m not american ike
EuphoricLeftist: you live in yorkshire
JosephCameron: exactly
EuphoricLeftist: that’s not america Joseph
JosephCameron: no it’s better
MarcusUrquhart: Joseph do you have any american citizenship at all
JosephCameron: that’s not relevant
MarcusUrquhart: it’s extremely relevant
JosephCameron: i’m going to bed
EuphoricLeftist: Joseph
bottlelegs: he could have voted
bottlelegs: he absolutely could have voted
Hersey: statistically his vote would have—
EuphoricLeftist: Hersey NOT NOW
JosephCameron: goodnight and god save the king
MarcusUrquhart: there is no king Joseph
JosephCameron: yet
I am not fine, but not in the way he thinks. He is tired, and his Constitutional Law notes are open on his desk, and he hasn’t looked at them in four hours. On the TV, a man is saying something about stopping the count. Marcus, who is studying law, knows exactly what this means and exactly why it isn’t how any of this works. He changes the channel. He changes it back. He turns the TV off.
I tell myself he just wants it to be fair. That’s all. He would feel this way about either candidate.
Author's note: He is a libertarian and a first year law student and a dispassionate observer of federal electoral mechanics and he is going to go to sleep right now.
I open the Pennsylvania count tab again. Biden is up by thirty thousand votes. He closes it. He opens it. Thirty one thousand.
I think about texting Hersey. I don’t. I’m still in a dialectical war with myself over whether I want Biden or Trump to win. I eventually settled on ignoring the issue and focusing on big upping Jo Jorgenson with my Law school friends.
[VUK General Chat, November 4th, 2020, 3:41 AM EST]
EuphoricLeftist: ok so
EuphoricLeftist: when does pennsylvania call
Hersey: ike it is 3am
EuphoricLeftist: i cannot sleep Hersey
MarcusUrquhart: neither can i
EuphoricLeftist: at least you have a reason
MarcusUrquhart: what’s your reason
EuphoricLeftist: i’m fourteen and anxious
MarcusUrquhart: that’s fair
EuphoricLeftist: when does it end marcus
MarcusUrquhart: the election or in general
EuphoricLeftist: either
MarcusUrquhart: the election probably tomorrow
MarcusUrquhart: in general i’ll let you know when i find out
EuphoricLeftist: deeply reassuring thank you
MarcusUrquhart: anytime
MarcusUrquhart: go to sleep ike
EuphoricLeftist: you go to sleep
MarcusUrquhart: i’m going
EuphoricLeftist: no you’re not
MarcusUrquhart: no i’m not
bottlelegs: it’s 3am in england and i’m still here too for what it’s worth
EuphoricLeftist: bottle-poo you don’t even have a dog in this fight
bottlelegs: i know i just can’t sleep
EuphoricLeftist: solidarity
MarcusUrquhart: solidarity
EuphoricLeftist: Joseph went to bed
MarcusUrquhart: he has at a biscuit factory in bradford
EuphoricLeftist: right
EuphoricLeftist: do you think he’s actually asleep
MarcusUrquhart: no
EuphoricLeftist: no
bottlelegs: definitely not
Hersey: he’s watching
EuphoricLeftist: he’s watching
MarcusUrquhart: he’s always watching
JosephCameron: i can see this you know
EuphoricLeftist: Joseph
JosephCameron: i told you
JosephCameron: couldn’t sleep
EuphoricLeftist: why not
JosephCameron: …
JosephCameron: same reason as you i expect
EuphoricLeftist: the election?
JosephCameron: sure
JosephCameron: the election
EuphoricLeftist: Joseph
JosephCameron: ike
EuphoricLeftist: are you ok
JosephCameron: i’m fine
JosephCameron: go to sleep
JosephCameron: some of us have biscuits to make
EuphoricLeftist: right
EuphoricLeftist: yeah
EuphoricLeftist: goodnight Joseph
JosephCameron: night
JosephCameron: you’ll be alright you know
EuphoricLeftist: yeah?
JosephCameron: yeah
JosephCameron: probably
EuphoricLeftist: probably
JosephCameron: night lad
Marcus reads this exchange and does not say anything. He thinks about Joseph Cameron, eighteen years old, working a biscuit factory in Yorkshire, watching an American election at 3am for reasons he won’t quite name to a fourteen-year-old he suspects but has never asked. He thinks about what it is like to root for a side that doesn’t entirely know you exist.
He closes the tab. He opens it. Pennsylvania is still counting.
[VUK General Chat, November 5th, 2020, 9:15 AM EST]
EuphoricLeftist: good morning everyone
EuphoricLeftist: still not called
EuphoricLeftist: incredible
JosephCameron: morning
JosephCameron: still going is it
EuphoricLeftist: DAY TWO Joseph
JosephCameron: blimey
JosephCameron: just got back from work
JosephCameron: been up since 4am
JosephCameron: pennsylvania still going is it
EuphoricLeftist: Joseph YOU WERE AT WORK
JosephCameron: yes
EuphoricLeftist: while we were watching the election
JosephCameron: some of us have jobs ike
MarcusUrquhart: how were the biscuits
JosephCameron: rectangular
JosephCameron: as always
JosephCameron: constitutional law he says
JosephCameron: just read magna carta mate
JosephCameron: sorted in an afternoon
MarcusUrquhart: Joseph
JosephCameron: i’m going to sleep cheerio
I do go to Constitutional Law. I sit in the back and check the Pennsylvania count four times during the lecture. My professor is discussing unitary executive theory. Marcus knows this material. I have opinions about this material.
I do not share them today, detrimental in a class that is structured in a seminar style, but my thoughts are too diverse and explicit to share with my class today.
On the walk back to his apartment, I pass three people wearing Biden-Harris shirts.
I feel something I immediately decided not to name. If putting a name on it today, it may be something like a melancholic hope? Or maybe a relief that they weren’t Trump/Vance shirts. I remind myself I’m on a college campus, the stronghold of liberalism seen across the nation
[VUK General Chat, November 6th, 2020, 2:27 PM EST]
EuphoricLeftist: DAY TWO
EuphoricLeftist: of the great swing state counts
EuphoricLeftist: they are still counting
EuphoricLeftist: they will always be counting
EuphoricLeftist: pennsylvania has always been counting
EuphoricLeftist: nevada will count forever, did you see that TikTok of the poll worker counting? Dude I’m going to die by the time we know who’s the next president
EuphoricLeftist: and don’t even get me started on PA. long after we are dead pennsylvania will count
MarcusUrquhart: @EuphoricLeftist
EuphoricLeftist: the mountains will crumble
MarcusUrquhart: IKE
EuphoricLeftist: the seas will rise
MarcusUrquhart: please
EuphoricLeftist: and still
EuphoricLeftist: pennsylvania
EuphoricLeftist: will be counting and uncalled
MarcusUrquhart: @EuphoricLeftist i am begging you
JosephCameron: he’s right though
MarcusUrquhart: don’t encourage him
JosephCameron: pennsylvania and nevada were a mistake from the start
JosephCameron: william penn was a quaker
JosephCameron: nuff said
EuphoricLeftist: REAL AND BASED AND TRUE
Hersey: statistically speaking the count should finish by—
EuphoricLeftist: HERSEY IF YOU SAY STATISTICALLY ONE MORE TIME IM GOING TO STORM THE CAPITAL/WHITE HOUSE, DECLARE MYSELF GOD-EMPORER AND BLOW BOTH OUR BRAINS OUT
Hersey: tomorrow probably
EuphoricLeftist: Biden won my school’s mock election, so if he loses the race he can always come to Greenwich High School and be our President.
(1 🤣 from @Cameron)
EuphoricLeftist: …
EuphoricLeftist: …
EuphoricLeftist: ok tomorrow is fine
EuphoricLeftist: i can do tomorrow
MarcusUrquhart: thank god
EuphoricLeftist: @MarqusUrquhart or satan depending on who wins
(1 🤣 from @SpeakerRockstar)
[VUK General Chat, November 7th, 2020, 11:32 AM EST]
EuphoricLeftist: CALLED
EuphoricLeftist: BIDEN WINS PENNSYLVANIA
EuphoricLeftist: ITS OVER
EuphoricLeftist: ITS ACTUALLY OVER
EuphoricLeftist: PENNSYLVANIA FINISHED COUNTING
EuphoricLeftist: THEY DID IT
EuphoricLeftist: THE COUNTERS DID IT
Hersey: FINALLY
bottlelegs: screaming crying pissing throwing up
JosephCameron: well
JosephCameron: huh
EuphoricLeftist: MARCUS
EuphoricLeftist: @MarcusUrquhart WHERE ARE YOU
EuphoricLeftist: THIS IS YOUR COUNTRY
EuphoricLeftist: REACT
MarcusUrquhart: ok
EuphoricLeftist: OK???
MarcusUrquhart: i mean good
MarcusUrquhart: democracy works
EuphoricLeftist: MARCUS
MarcusUrquhart: What do you want me to say ike
EuphoricLeftist: literally anything of value or judgement
MarcusUrquhart: I voted third party
EuphoricLeftist: I KNOW, WE ALL KNOW, I VERY MUCH ASSUME ANYONE WHO’S SPOKEN TO YOU FOR THE PAST THREE MONTHS IS AWARE OF THIS FACT
MarcusUrquhart: I'm fine
EuphoricLeftist: you keep saying that
MarcusUrquhart: because it’s true
Hersey: 🎉
bottlelegs: 🎉
JosephCameron: 🎉
EuphoricLeftist: 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉[crab rave GIF]
MarcusUrquhart: idc
There is one thing Marcus will not say in the call, will not type into the chat, will not tell Hersey or anyone else for a long time, and may not even fully understand or admit to himself: he is, underneath everything, relieved. Not about Biden. Not about the regulatory environment or the tax policy or any of the things he spent four days telling himself he cared about.
There was something about the last four years, something he noticed with the particular care of someone studying law at the highest level, something about the ground shifting under institutions he had always taken for granted, even while arguing they were too large. That made him feel like the walls of a familiar room had moved slightly inward. I couldn’t name it then. I still can’t quite name it now. I tell myself it’s nothing. I voted for Jo Jorgensen. I have the receipt.
Outside, someone is honking a car horn. Then another. Then six more. Marcus stands at his apartment window and watches people he doesn’t know celebrate in the street below. He doesn’t go outside.
In my dreams that night, someone is still counting. The number keeps going up. I wake up in a sweat, unsure if it was a nightmare or a fantasy, a look at my girlfriend of 2 years calms my restless mind. Tomorrow I have constitutional law, maybe I can explore those thoughts there further. For now I needn’t contemplate my dreams, for I have love in my bed, a future in my path, and friends online and in real life.
3am, Bradford | Mia, November 2020
It is now technically November 4th, the day after the 2020 American Presidential election. Ballot boxes stuffed with valid votes, mail still coming in postmarked from the days before. Months before the traitorous rioters may attempt to steal the voice of the people. Today, I ask what’s going on?
When I joined discourse on discord at half eight, it was the third of November and an American election; now, it is technically the fourth and yet still we don’t have an answer to what’s going on? The duration of structural collapse that inspires curiosity in the same manner as a bin fire that has maintained its entropic intensity for six hours.
The same way I might interrogate why a flaming pile of shite in a brown paper bag has appeared on my doorstep. A molotov pooptail of politics. My alarm lowers its tone as the minutes fly by, replaced by a precise in my bin's characteristics. Florida succumbed to itself at half ten.
Pennsylvania exists in a state of perpetual counting. It is 3am.
I am Mia 'bottlelegs', a fourteen-year-old subject situated in Bradford, the capital of what I call yorkshite, navigates the liminality of contemporary education. My legs also, don't really work. I'm disabled. Hence the bottle, of said aforementioned legs a Zoom call where six students maintain the performance of visibility while the instructor pretends normalcy. A class where our grades are predicted instead of earned or graded. It is a situation devoid of stability, yet it is best navigated through understanding.
That while one cannot personally correct Florida, for it will still be Florida, I may witness the unfolding of Pennsylvania in the company of my chosen family. While I might not walk I can stand for something. My bottlelegs perpetually fail me.
My Mum and Dad are still deep in their sleep. The silence of the house possesses that specific texture of 3 AM in the north, not an absence, but a kind of profound, sleeping presence. The radiator ticks. The screen emits its steady glow. Outside, a vehicle passes, its slight noise a brief and subtle intrusion into the stillness and calm of the ritualistic 3 AM discord chats.
I have existed in a state of wakefulness since seven yesterday morning. Sleep has become a negotiated settlement rather than a biological certainty, and the negotiations collapsed around midnight when Pennsylvania initiated its slow, indefinite tally, the behavior of a nation that has failed to refine its electoral infrastructure since 1776. God, wouldn’t it have been better if we had just kept America for ourselves?
The chat persists as a perturbed consciousness across time zones, 3am in England corresponds to 10pm in Virginia, where Marcus interrogates the count with the fervor of a dispassionate observer who voted third party, and 9pm in Connecticut, where Ike is fourteen and observing the dismantling of history in real time. I articulate a radical proposition: Florida should be expelled from America.
This receives Ike's immediate agreement and concurrence, while Marcus provides a satisfyingly dense counter-narrative regarding demographic composition and the structural incentives of redistricting, an explanation that is epistemically correct but provides little catharsis. It’ll all be underwater soon enough anyways, who cares really?
This VUK server defies rationality; it is a digital parliament where the Foreign Minister is named Shrek, a nomenclature that achieves its own kind of absurd perfection in a server that ostensibly could run serious politics, with real institutions and a constituency of 500 and counting.
Mia represents a Scottish constituency as a Northern English subject, an administrative detail she regards as a minor inconvenience in the face of broader political subjectivities. She has been so successful that she has garnered at one point in time (before Ike entered the server) over 20 percent of the vote for the SNP, a figure that is larger than Scotland’s share of the population. A detail not lost on the admins of VUK.
But it works. It's real. It's in fact, more real then anything we'd ever experienced before. It's solidarity in action, across the falsity of borders, the cruelty of timezones, the absurdity of ideology, we all unite as a group. Solidarity amongst anacho-capitalists, revolutionary socialists, and new labour liberal democrats.
The SNP maintains its positions; Mia maintains her critique of those positions. The dialectic continues. The server possesses its own gravity. It matters because it is a construction that functions, and in its functioning, it demands responsibility. Mia feels this obligation at 3am, situated in the North, watching a foreign state require four to six business days to resolve its internal direction.
Ike is undergoing a visible spiraling within the discord chat.
bottlelegs: ike it's going to be ok
This is an assertion devoid of fact. The historical record for "ok" in 2020 has been mixed at best, certainly, things will not be ok in the traditional sense of the word. But they certainly can’t get all that much worse for the world. How could it get any worse than this? God, I hope never to find out. I have been confined to this house since March.
Before the deluge, there was the social fabric, the social contrat, a change of scenery and walls populated by peers expressing their shared confusion through more or less destructive means. Since March, existence has been reduced to this house, the server, the election, and the rhythmic ticking of the radiator. I have been confined to this chair for the better part of my life. I watch West Wing and participate in VUK, in essence, to cope.
I am thirteen, watching a nation decide whether to extend its project of decay for another four years. Mia refuses to perform the lie of certainty; she is fourteen, also awake at 3am, and therefore reserves judgment on the future.
bottlelegs: no but
bottlelegs: it usually is
A fragile claim, sent into the void nonetheless, to a person who may or may not exist in reality. The discourse shifts. Marcus sublimates his feelings into the mechanics of electoral analysis, while Joseph offers commentary on the glorious BoJo, an offensive stance on multiple levels, considering Joseph is a Northern Tory from Yorkshire while Mia is SNP from the same county.
They coexist on a Discord server at 3am, subjects of a world as currently constituted. My fury at his existence is for now, pushed to the side as we talk amiably about the U.S. elections, where we both agree Trump is a menace to all that is good in the world. No- they do more then coexist, the synthesize. They become, in essence, one beautiful thing. True friendship, virtual, fake in some sence. But true. Real. Heartwarming. Solidarity-bait, if you will.
There is no reasonable explanation for the world as currently constituted. I have searched for one and found only the radiator. Ike composes his next message for a significant duration of time, Mia observes the digital indicators of his effort, and then transmits the accumulated weight of being fourteen in 2020: the pandemic, 2016, the dying, the potential for four more years.
A crescendo of generational anxiety landing at 10:43pm Connecticut time (in Greenwich, stubbornly not Greenwich Mean Time, however).
Mia reads the confession of the young upper-class socialist Greenwichite socialite. The radiator persists in its insistent ticking.
bottlelegs: there he is
This is the recognition of an authentic subjectivity emerging from behind the performance of "fine." There is Ike, who is genuinely terrified, who will be nineteen when this concludes. There he is. Him and only him.
Joseph and Marcus and Hersey concur. Ike commands their silence and returns his focus to Pennsylvania, a return to the practical, the only available modes of being: to watch and to wait.
I watch Pennsylvania as well. There is no alternative. No solution. Well, there’s always one solution, that being revolution, naturally.
Joseph retreats to sleep, an act of surrender to the material obligations of a life that exists outside the server , the production of biscuits in Bradford. Mia contemplates Joseph, the Tory Prime Minister whose seriousness of conviction she finds ideologically objectionable but personally recognizable. It is a level of commitment that demands respect precisely because it is applied to a cause she opposes.
The server assumes Joseph is gone. The server is incorrect. I, observing the digital status indicators, know that 3am is a medium for those pretending to be absent while remaining profoundly present.
JosephCameron: i can see this you know
Joseph. Ike's response is a capitalised acknowledgement of the condition. Joseph remains awake for the same reasons: the election, its ramifications, and the frustration of caring about a mechanism you cannot fix. You'll be alright you know. Joseph offers this as a final benediction. Probably. Good night lad.
I witnessed the exchange in silence. There is nothing to add. Joseph has articulated the only sentiment viable at 3am when Pennsylvania remains uncalled and the world is indifferent: You'll be alright. Probably? Maybe? Perhaps not?
The discourse enters a period of quietude and uncharacteristic calm for the server filled with high school to law school-aged students. Marcus remains active in Virginia; Ike continues his vigil over Pennsylvania; Joseph's sleep is likely an intermission. The night is a singular condition distributed across time zones, a collective of individuals in their respective rooms, watching a country resolve its own crisis.
The radiator ticks. The screen glows. Outside the window, the north of England is dark, cold, and entirely indifferent to the American project, an appropriate and solid reality that does not perform its feelings for an audience.
I am a product of this geography. The server is a fact of my identity, synthesized with my Scottish nationalism coming from the north of England and the 3am insomnia. My family remains asleep, unaware of the digital parliament processing an election that won't conclude for another few days, an election an ocean away, but still vital to my experience.
Their ignorance is fine. I know. The server knows. That is enough.
Pennsylvania is still counting. I move my laptop. The night persists, identical across its various geographies.
bottlelegs: it's 3am in england and i'm still here too for what it's worth
This is the truth. It achieves the status of being worth something, even in this house in the north of England, even with the radiator's rhythm and the screen's illumination, while the world pursues its own indifferent course.
Still here. For what it is worth. The truth, the warm, beautiful, amazing- horrifying truth. It's still here. The virus, the friends, the isolation. All of it.
For what it's worth.
Section 4 : 2021, After the Blizzard
“Hope is Revolutionary” - Jean Michel Valat De Córdova
“[If that is what being a Marxist is] then I am not a Marxist” – Karl Marx, letter to a friend on French marxists (1840s)
2021. | Chorus
Sing, oh Peleus mother of Achilleus, the tale of resentment. The year being 2021, the pandemic is not over but waning. Sing of the times when our rage festered beyond our logic. Sing of the times beyond Achilles and the Ilium. Sing of the times when our people, the people, refused to wear masks and refused to get vaxxed. Sing, oh God of rage, of the many dead who died past the time of the pandemic. Sing, oh my lord, sing, oh at all. Sing of the millions who will never be born, not by virtue of abortion but by virtue of the coronavirus pandemic. Sing, oh dearie, sing, Sing, the song of the people. Sing of the January 6th insurrection. Sing, the histories that will never be told due to the dead, to those who killed themselves, as one I know to have done this year in this wretched year. Sing, oh dear me, may someone tell me why any of it was worth it to them?
Sing, dear God, sing. If we cannot claim to have killed you, tell me what forsook us that year. Sing, corona sing, the beer with one of the most invariably horrid branding problems in 2020. Sing, dear lord, singing lord.
O’ lord, hast thou forsaken us? Will we never return? Will it ever be the same again? All the death and all the destruction. All the men who stormed those hallowed halls, our failed coups, and various dictators. O’ lord, tell me why any of it happened. O’ lord, why allow it to happen? O’ lord, why are so many invoking your name in vain? O’ lord, allow me a brief respite from the dreariness of death. O’ lord, will we ever get it? Will they ever be better than we are?
Will it ever be the same again? Would going back even be better? Can things ever truly get better when so much invariably was lost? The books of dozens of great authors, the tears of many heartbreaks, the great loves that never happened, and the joyous births that similarly were prevented.
Oh lord, tell me what we lost, and tell me why you let us lose it? Why inflict this pain to those you love
A Grand Old Time | James
I hate the members of parliament I manage as speaker with the burning passion of 10,000 white dwarves. The fucked is named Prime Minister Shrek for fucks sake! Shrek? Shrek!!! Who names themselves Shrek and then runs for office? This is outrageous, but all I can and must do is act as a competent steward of these self-serving, racist, homophobic groups of conniving twats. And the opposition.
All I may do as a speaker is hold strong the traditions of our parliament against the tyrannical idiocy of the Tories' current leadership. And make sure those machiavellian cunts don’t take my speakership like they took the PMship from me. Fuck yo,u Joseph Camero,n and your goons of nimwit Americans and Essex c*nts who want to privatize the NHS and anally rape all Britons.
Anally terrorizing us and our citizens are the Labour and Liberal parties, and the Tories in power. This is unacceptable. Leave my anus alone! Why can we not go through this world without the animus of anal terrorism! Leave my people’s anuses alone!
An Unusually Quiet Vice President | Ike, February 2021
I have been, for some time now the first, and so far only, president of a simulated federalized European Union elected under the Party of European Socialists under a ticket that would bring posterity and a guaranteed income to all European citizens. My vice president, Camille, was instrumental in this campaign of domination that landed us winning the European presidency by over 20 points in a server of over 500 people.
That being stated, my Vice President has been unusually inactive as of late. She hasn’t messaged anyone on the server in two weeks and has yet to do anything for her position. Unusual, but not completely unusual for a virtual Discord server.
Today, her brother sent various messages to the European Union Roleplay server on her account, and in the direct messages of many sat a message which read like this.
“I understand that you and my sister were very close during these pandemic days, and you were there for her in some ways that her family couldn’t be, or wasn’t enough. It is with a deep sorrow in my heart that I inform you that my sister killed herself a week ago due to the stress of living and growing up during the pandemic without any friends.
Understand this is no one’s fault, and understand that she will live on with us forever, a fraction of our hearts carried with us wherever we go, whatever we do, and however we speak to her. So honor that piece of your heart. Do well with this world, and do well unto her. Make her proud, service the people who died in this way so no more may die in this way again. Carry out your obligation to the dead because there is no one else alive to do it.”
At first, I didn’t believe it. I thought it was a lie. Then it kept on going. It kept on going.
When I figured it was true, for some reason, I couldn’t cry. I’m not sure why I couldn’t, or didn’t, but no waterworks fell from mine eyes. Some tears, sure. But not in a cascade, more as a light drizzle.
Like an afterthought God chose to sprinkle in, like the salt you put on your food after it is already prepared and seasoned to perfection. My Grandpa killed himself too, years ago now, but I still think about it every now and then. He had Stage IV Lung Cancer, and he wouldn’t get treatment, so he stared down the barrel of a gun, and took care of it himself.
I wonder what I owe unto him, how I carry him, how I honor him in my actions or advocacy. I wonder if he looked at me today what parts would he recognize, would he recognize me at all?
How do I carry around the service to the dead in heaven and in hell?
How may we honor them? Can we ever? Do we have an ethical obligation to them?
The million dead Americans of covid, what do we owe them?
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